All of us, at some point in our lifetime, have experienced loss or change. It is the one thing that unites us as human beings. Grief is the natural response to any loss or change in our lives even positive change. Even getting married can be a grief process why do we cry at weddings?
Let us take a moment and acknowledge losses and changes we may have experienced.
Grief is a spiral of feelings and reactions. It is not a line with a beginning and an end. It can be roller coaster of unexpected memory triggers. We refer to them as landmines, because they are sudden and unexpected. There are three types of landmines: 1.Sensory Triggers, 2.Memory Triggers and 3.Time Triggers. Trauma research shows us that stress and trauma is taken in through the five senses, so even when our mind is keeping a distance, we are still imprinting in our brain all of the details of the illness, the trauma, the pain. This occurs in both witnessed trauma and imagined trauma.
Trauma and grief know no time. It doesnąt matter how long ago the grief happened, sometimes, when we hit a landmine, it may feel like it happened yesterday.
The Backpack Effect Present grief can tap into grief that has occurred in the past. So, we are not only dealing with present losses, but it can touch the past as well. The truth of grief is that it is eternal. All our grief meets in the moment of our present loss or trauma. What may help is to identify what has been brought up from the past realizing it may have as much emotional impact as the present.
The Heart Hotel One of our clients said it very well "My heart is like a hotel. Everyone I love has a room in my heart hotel. When they die or go away, no one can take their room in my heart hotel. I can fill up the empty room with the love and the memories that even death or separation can't take away. I am also like Mrs. Winchester. I can add new rooms to my heart hotel as I meet new people to love and care for. This is the work of grief like having another full time job to let go of the pain, trauma and grief and keep the love, memories and good times. It is like a sifting process. It takes time and patience, and understanding that you are normal person having a normal reaction to an abnormally stressful event.
Let's review:
What are the feelings, behaviors, thoughts, body reactions and belief systems brought about by loss. What happens?
One of our wonderful volunteers at the Centre said it very well "I will never be the old normal I was before my daughter was killed. But I have learned to build a new normal by acknowledging and expressing my grief. In some ways, I am a better, more compassionate person, because I have survived and made meaning out of the loss." From our founder, "The pain never goes away, but the memories are what I can keep. And the pain changes from the gut wrenching anguish to the bitter-sweet sorrow. The pain of grief is the price for having loved."
Four steps The Centre has developed to survive the transition:
It is important to remember that grief, like the ocean tides, may ebb and flow. Pay attention to your changing moods and reactions and remember, all you have to do is ask yourself two questions:
What is touching/hurting me the most, hitting me the hardest, the most difficult, Right Now? And what is it that I need to get me through it Right Now?
Remember, it is our human right to grieve. As each of us honors our own grief and supports others, The Centre for Living with Dying will be able to go out of business.
We have explored a very difficult topic in depth. Do something life affirming, fun and healing for you. The balance of grief is life. Get connected with what is sweet in your life today.
Please know we are here for you at the Centre for as long as the need
exists.
The Centre for Living with Dying
554 Mansion Park Drive o Santa Clara, CA 95054
408.980.9801
Fax:408.980.9838
www.thecentre.org
For over 27 years, the Centre has provided support, intervention and education on the life issues of serious illness, trauma, loss, death and grief to over 1 million people. Our goal is to acknowledge grief as a normal reaction, and to gently break the conspiracy of silence that often surrounds death, grief and loss issues. We work with children, adults and seniors. We offer services for as long as the need exists. We respond to schools, corporations and community agencies, as well as emergency responders and healthcare professionals, who work with loss and trauma on a daily basis.
Families judge each other on behaviors, rather than the feelings and reactions behind the behaviors. Every person may have a different responses and behaviors in grief at different times. There is no right or wrong way to grief, but these differences can often alienate family members from each other, increasing the isolation of grief.
A good way to work with families is to get to the feelings behind the behaviors. They often are the same, even though behaviors are different. By establishing the groundrules of oconfidentiality and ono cross talk or commenting on others' feelings or reactions, a safe place can be created to give everyone the opportunity to discuss what has been difficult and what it is they most need from each other. They may not be able to get all of what they need, yet this process opens the door to explore alternatives where more people can get more of what they need and also support each other.
It is helpful to have a neutral person facilitate the family meeting.
Children need three things in grief:
Let's make a list of what you need and what you donąt need. In grief and trauma, we are more alike than we are different in our responses. We don't need to be fixed, we do need to be validated. If you take a look at both lists, the don't need list is full of all the ways people try to make it better, explain it away or fix us. If we examine the needs list, there is nothing we have to say to make it better. We simply have to be there.
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